Brian on the Brahmaputra Read online

  To the uninitiated, this might sound all rather nerdy. Anything up to an hour spent going through a pre-printed list of birds and animals and agreeing which of the species on the list had been spotted during the day. However, it was very useful and always good fun. Making comprehensive notes as one is walking around or riding around is not very easy. Better to make partial notes and mental notes and then be reminded in the evening of precisely what has been observed – and what you as an individual have observed. And the fun bit comes from the challenges, the misunderstandings, and on this trip, from the co-tour-leader and “list master”. This was Tika, or to give him his full name, Tika Ram Giri.

  Tika was a renowned ornithologist from Nepal. With Sujan, he was the guy who found the birds and the other wildlife for the party and identified them. But he also ran the listing sessions. This was good news. If Sujan was Portos, Tika was Athos; a thoughtful, “fatherly” man with a dry sense of humour and a grin to rival Sujan’s own. He had been born on the edge of the Royal Chitwan National Park in Nepal, and despite receiving no formal education, he had ultimately become the park’s senior naturalist and one of the very best naturalists on the Indian sub-continent. Remarkably, his knowledge of birds and mammals was all self-taught, as was his English. And so fluent was his English, that Brian had made a note to write to the Schools Minister on his return to Britain to suggest that the self-teaching of English should become the method of first choice for all those word- and grammar-challenged children currently drifting through our increasingly politicised and therefore terminally damaged “World Class” education system.

  But now, as Tika was just getting down to the lapwings and plovers, Brian was getting down to a more immediate task, namely the feeding of his face. For not only were there alcoholic beverages available during the listing sessions, but there were also savoury snacks on offer. Therefore, as Sandra applied herself to their personal list-making, Brian applied himself to the nibbles. They were very tasty but very small scale, and far too small to simply pick from the bowls in which they were served. One therefore had to spoon a heap of them into the cupped palm of one hand, with the fingers of the other hand then coax them into its centre – and then lick them off – as meticulously and as discreetly as possible. Brian could not possibly have dealt with a pen and a list at the same time. And anyway, Sandra was a past master at that sort of thing. Just as Tika was the present master of the sessions themselves, combining authority with humour and knowledge with humility. He shouldn’t have been running just these gatherings in the evening; he should have been running the whole of Nepal.

  This was a view put forward by Brian to John over dinner. John was a scientist who specialised in the transmission of something or other through cell walls. He had a Scottish accent, and Brian hadn’t quite caught what he’d said – or whether he’d admitted to being a chemist or a biologist. But it was really of no importance. He was a very pleasant fellow who always appeared jovial. Just as his equally pleasant wife, Vivien, always appeared rather timid – even though she was herself an accomplished marine biologist. Brian was also not sure whether they were still working or whether they were retired. They were distinctly middle-aged, but who knew how long people went on working these days? Especially if they enjoyed it.

  John clearly did enjoy his science, and had, over his life, become a specialist in his field, someone who had channelled his obvious considerable intellect into a very narrow aspect of human knowledge. So when Brian made the tactless admission that he had abandoned chemistry immediately after university, precisely because he hadn’t wanted to become a specialist like John, and end up being trapped in some tiny inconsequential pocket of science that nobody else knew about, John gave him a rather odd look. But no lasting damage was done. And although Brian had at first felt mildly ridiculous (again), by the time the meal was over he just felt rather tired.

  This was partly due to the hour, but also due to his other table companion of this evening, the singleton traveller in the party by the name of Jim.

  Little can be said about this gentleman other than that he had clearly not been made aware of the full potential of modern dentistry – and that it was as yet impossible to determine what his principal interests were on this current expedition. Furthermore, it was all too apparent that if ever a world championship were organised to find the world’s worst conversationalist, Jim would be in there with a chance. His speciality was the simple non-response to an observation or even to a direct question. But he was also incredibly strong in the areas of out-of-the-blue announcements unconnected with anything said previously, mind-numbingly boring observations on the cost of chips (of the electronic variety), and comments which, if not rude, were distinctly crass.

  Jim, it should be noted, was the only representative of the British civil service in the party. So, although Brian was very tired this evening, he was also very pleased that one of his deeply held beliefs had once again been confirmed…

  4.

  He thought he’d seen it yesterday. But now he was sure. There were a number of the party who had adopted a banana diet. At the six o’clock breakfast there were at least three other Nature-seekers who had eschewed fried eggs or omelettes in favour of this stomach-friendly fruit. Whilst Brian’s bowels were now quiescent, those of others in the group were clearly not and were in active revolt. It remained to be seen, therefore, whether all of them would join the expedition to Kaziranga.

  They did. Either through a resolve which put Brian’s in the shade, or through the ingestion of a generous dose of Imodium, they all made it into the country boat, and thereby committed themselves to a whole morning in the park. There was, it has to be said, a longer than normal mass-relief session as they arrived at the gate to the park. Although, in truth, this could have been more to do with the fact that males as well as females were allowed into the facilities here – and with the state of these facilities. Doing anything in them that required the loosening or losing of any of one’s garments was necessarily a very delicate and consequently a very slow procedure. And if squatting wasn’t in your cultural make-up it could be a very slow procedure indeed.

  Eventually, however, all the Nature-seekers were empty and were ready to go. And waiting for them were six jeeps.

  Now, Brian and Sandra had, on similar safari rides in Namibia and Botswana, become used to jeeps that were constructed out of girders and plate metal and went by the name of “Land Rovers”. They were apparently very well known. They were also very powerful, large, comfortable, and could cope with just about any sort of terrain. It wasn’t just a marketing claim; these Land Rover things really could manage anything. Furthermore, if they were being used for game-viewing, they were always equipped with forward facing seats, all of them raised above the chassis, and with each row of seats set marginally higher than the row in front. In this way all the passengers were afforded a clear and uninterrupted view of whatever there was that required viewing.

  Kaziranga’s jeeps were not, unfortunately, Land Rovers. They were “Maruti Suzukis”. Brian imagined that this meant they were Japanese designed jeeps manufactured in India. But wherever they were made, it was not where there was any tradition in the use of girders and plate metal, and it was not where there were any European-sized humans. They were insubstantial and they were tiny, tiny in the extreme. In that pecking order on the roads referred to earlier, Brian imagined they would rank somewhere just above rickshaws, but only those rickshaws with fainthearted drivers. Those with a more determined soul at their helm would probably take precedence. And when they left the roads… well Brian could not imagine them being left in a garage, but instead in a cellophane-fronted cardboard box, just like the sort his Dinky toys had arrived in. Then there was the seating…

  This was in the style of the country boat. Behind the jeep’s cab, two padded benches faced each other across its miniature rear. But unlike in the boat, for those who used these seats, there was no clear space and a view of the boots of those opposite. But instea
d, there was just a cluttered space, full of their own legs, knees and feet, intertwined with those of the other three unfortunates crammed tightly into the same vehicle. And needless to say, a clear and uninterrupted view only of the faces of their fellow facing passengers. Brian was not too encouraged.

  He was encouraged even less when he saw who one of these passengers would be. He and Sandra had crawled onto one of the jeeps and were now sitting facing each other directly behind its cab. And now, following them onto the vehicle was Jim! As he scrambled aboard, Brian looked at Sandra and Sandra looked at Brian. But there was nothing they could do.

  Fortunately Rajan then joined them as well. He was a little bigger than ideal for the last place available, but he was a great deal less daunting than the odd civil servant. In fact, he was not daunting at all; he was very pleasant and easy to get on with. He was the guy who had put the whole tour together. He was Indian, but he now lived in England where he worked for the Nature-seekers set up, and was out on this particular tour acting as the tour manager. While Sujan and Tika, as the two tour leaders, did all the nature stuff, he did all the other stuff – like worrying. He was officially responsible for worrying about schedules, transport, connections, logistics – and now, the growing number of upset stomachs. However, this morning he had a break from this responsibility. For the next four hours he could virtually stop worrying at all and instead simply ensure that his legs, knees and feet were kept within bounds – along with Jim’s verbal aberrations…

  They were about to move off. Their jeep and two others were going to take a clockwise route around this part of the park; the other three would take an anti-clockwise route. And each trio of jeeps would have two guides. Sujan and Tika had been joined by two local guides, Imran and Babajan. Imran and Tika were responsible for Brian’s trio, and the way they were going to discharge this responsibility was by switching between jeeps as they drove round the park. At any one time, one jeep would be without a guide but the other two would have a resident naturalist-guide who’d be pointing out the wildlife. And as all the jeeps were to stay close together, even the guideless jeep would receive instructions as to where to look.

  They were now moving. Brian’s vehicle was sandwiched between the other two jeeps in his group, and it was the one that was presently guideless. It was also presently without conversation. Everybody on board was too intent on absorbing their surroundings. This area of the park was wooded, but between the trees there were stretches of open grassland and patches of swamp. It was a little, thought Brian, like a soggy savannah. It was also good for seeing things, things that liked this combination of trees and grass and wetness – and that didn’t mind being seen. So very soon, even in the cramped and imperfect-viewing conditions of the jeep, Brian had seen any number of adjutant storks (both lesser and greater), loads of little cormorants, piles of pond-herons and swathes of swamphens. There were also wild boar, hog deer and water buffalo on show. And back with the birds, there were fish-eagles, and here and there, a novice bird-spotter’s nightmare: changeable hawk-eagles, earning this name from their habit of having a changeable plumage. As if identifying birds wasn’t difficult enough already…

  This silent safari went on for some time, until Jim started telling Rajan about the cost of microchips and what a great deal he’d secured on the ones he’d just bought…

  Fortunately this tiresome discourse coincided with the arrival of a muddy puddle. The first jeep had managed it. But a certain lack of momentum and an additional lack of tread on the tyres meant that Brian’s jeep didn’t cope quite so well. In fact, it became stuck. Immediately. Brian was incredulous. A Land Rover wouldn’t even have noticed the puddle. Hell, even a rickshaw would have made it. But this poor old jeep… Well, it had done brilliantly; it had brought Jim’s explanation of his artfulness in the art of chip-procurement to a premature and permanent stop.

  Rajan pushed the vehicle out with the help of Imran. Imran then used this unscheduled stop to switch jeeps. When he’d assured himself that the following jeep wasn’t going to fall foul of the minor water hazard, he climbed aboard Brian’s jeep to commence some onboard observing.

  Now, much has been made of the less than generous proportions of these jeeps and how their passenger accommodation in the rear was no more than stingy. Three standard-sized whities and an oversized Indian consumed it entirely. Imran, therefore, was obliged to station himself not in the jeep but “behind” the jeep. That is to say, he was now onboard, but only onboard the jeep’s back bumper, standing up and holding onto a U-frame, a U-frame the official purpose of which was to hold a tarpaulin in place – and not a naturalist with a rather large stomach. But it seemed to work. It still being sunny, the tarpaulin was folded over the roof of the cab and not, itself, in need of the U-frame. Furthermore, this stand-and-hold-on technique gave Brian an idea. There were two other U-frames, one midway between the back of the vehicle and its cab and one immediately behind the cab. By holding onto this front one, Brian might be able to stand up himself. This would give him a much-enhanced view of his surroundings and it would also allow his wife to see more. He wouldn’t be facing her and blocking her view with his head.

  He did it. He stood up and he grabbed the forward U-frame. He did need to hold on quite tightly to allow for the bumpiness of the track, but it worked. So well that the same “stand and spectate” system was now being adopted in the other jeeps, with as many as three of their occupants on their feet and hanging on. And it was fun as well. The jeeps had now become chariots. And Brian was now Charlton Heston!

  But there was still the serious stuff as well. There were birds everywhere, and Imran was finding them all the time. Unfortunately though, Imran needed to convey to his charges where these birds were, especially if they were skulking around in the trees. This was never easy, even when the jeep had come to rest. But as Imran had learnt his English from an ex-patriot, hyper-active auctioneer, it was not easy at all. His spoken English may have been the best of all the guides, but he delivered it so rapidly that Brian could never decide. Neither could he ever decipher it. He was reduced to following Imran’s hand movements instead, or to just training his binoculars in the direction of Imran’s own.

  This was not what Jim was doing. He was just sitting in the back of the jeep and barely using his binoculars at all. Indeed the only sightings that seemed to stir him into action were the sightings of buffalo, rhino or elephants. None of these were around in great numbers. But whenever one was spotted his interest was aroused – and he would reach for his camera. Eventually, Brian worked out what was going on. Jim was on this tour to capture photographs of large animals. Nothing much else seemed to matter. No matter how rare or how colourful any other representative of the local fauna might be, if it wasn’t large and it wasn’t readily available as a fairly straightforward photographic subject, he just wasn’t bothered.

  Brian considered this hypothesis. It did seem to fit his observations of his companion’s behaviour, and it was also supported by all that tedious stuff about the cost of the chips in his camera. Furthermore, it was in perfect harmony with what he knew about this chap’s nature. Jim, remember, was a civil servant. And what do civil servants do? Answer: they undertake tasks that are really only of interest to themselves; they choose simple tasks and avoid those that are more demanding; the tasks that are chosen are not only simple but they are also discharged sporadically, and the activity then created is almost inevitably sandwiched between much longer periods of complete inactivity… Oh, and civil servants very rarely have an insight into the wider picture either… Yes, there was no doubt about it; Jim was on a shoot-the-obvious-and-effortless photo-shoot, and he was more or less blind to all else.

  ‘But so what?’ thought Brian. ‘He’s not harming anybody. And if that’s what he wants…’

  So Brian ignored him and got back to his game-viewing and bird-watching – with the help of Imran’s arms, and then, as their journey progressed, with the help of Tika’s instructions.

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bsp; Tika had now replaced Imran, and as his English was more moderately paced than Imran’s, Brian had no problem in understanding his every word. He was also shit hot at spotting anything and everything. So much so that the bird count and animal count (including five-striped palm-squirrels) proceeded to mount rapidly. It was proving to be a very interesting and very rewarding morning.

  Eventually, Brian’s trio of jeeps, on their clockwise circuit, met the second trio coming the other way. They all stopped and notes were compared and advice exchanged – about the whereabouts of particular sightings by each party. And then a jeep was exchanged. The clockwise route had apparently brought Brian’s jeep over the more manageable half of the circuit, and it now faced a more demanding half where the terrain was more uneven and the puddles more muddy. And as it had the handicap of a cracked suspension, it was thought prudent to allow it to return whence it had come (with a new set of passengers from the second party), and to re-house Brian and his buddies in the jeep these passengers had relinquished. Their jeep was just as small and just as insubstantial, but it possessed a currently un-cracked suspension and was therefore considered a rather better bet for the remaining, more challenging part of the journey.

  The swap was completed and Brian re-established himself in the standing position. The new jeep had the same U-frame arrangement as the first. He was therefore able to continue his enhanced viewing of his surroundings, albeit that he now had to hold on more tightly than ever. The track was just as promised: far worse than before. Indeed at one point it was almost impassably far worse.